Apathy or Flow?

{apathy}

for those of you who have been following my blog you will know that the last three years have been a somewhat BLACK scary and uncontrollable time for me with, as far as I could tell, no way out.....that was until Christmas 2009 when {being off meds for a week due to illness} I made a promise to myself that "2010 would be a POSITIVE year" and while I was at it I would NOT go back on my meds as a result of this promise....I mean WHY step back after making that promise, right?  

I  met with the various "professionals" I had been seeing over the last few years and told them this was my plan and so with their acknowledgement and my new mantra "2010 WILL be positive" I started off on my LONG road to recovery, I had finally been able to fill my head with plans and achievements and my brain with words and sentences {all of which had be erased over the last three years} how long this road is is anyone's guess BUT six months down the line I can still hear my mantra....exciting, hopeful, uplifting - these are some of the words I haven't been able to grasp up until this year.  I have had moments whereby I have needed to take deep, DEEP breaths for fear of taking many steps backwards but positivity has held out and I have carried on, going forward....

....but I FEAR something new has been hanging about me, behaving like a brick wall around me, stopping any plans and achievements from materialising, something I haven't been able to put my finger on but have tried to shrug off thinking it will pass and I can carry on going forward.....I am grasping in my newly filled brain to explain what this feeling is that's surrounding me and feeling FRUSTRATED when I can't quite get it.....and then, suddenly the word POPPED up, right there in the front of my brain like a neon light flashing it's many sequences.....apathy.....A.P.A.T.H.Y.!!!

I googled and there it was in black and white....apathy.....EVERYTHING that I have been feeling for the last seven or eight weeks, growing bigger by the day until it is now SOOO overwhelming it is frightening me.....as far as I can tell medication is the only way to help rid me of this feeling, I have an appointment to see the Doc on Wednesday hoping they will suggest some natural remedy until then I am saying my mantra more than ever as I want to see where I am going and NOT look back to where I have been.

The opposite of apathy is flow.......this is where I want to be - FLOWING with ideas, plans, achievements, excitement and hopefullness.

{flow}

hugs

hello gorgeous xxx