Sunday, 25 July 2010

Apathy or Flow?


for those of you who have been following my blog you will know that the last three years have been a somewhat BLACK scary and uncontrollable time for me with, as far as I could tell, no way out.....that was until Christmas 2009 when {being off meds for a week due to illness} I made a promise to myself that "2010 would be a POSITIVE year" and while I was at it I would NOT go back on my meds as a result of this promise....I mean WHY step back after making that promise, right?  

I  met with the various "professionals" I had been seeing over the last few years and told them this was my plan and so with their acknowledgement and my new mantra "2010 WILL be positive" I started off on my LONG road to recovery, I had finally been able to fill my head with plans and achievements and my brain with words and sentences {all of which had be erased over the last three years} how long this road is is anyone's guess BUT six months down the line I can still hear my mantra....exciting, hopeful, uplifting - these are some of the words I haven't been able to grasp up until this year.  I have had moments whereby I have needed to take deep, DEEP breaths for fear of taking many steps backwards but positivity has held out and I have carried on, going forward....

....but I FEAR something new has been hanging about me, behaving like a brick wall around me, stopping any plans and achievements from materialising, something I haven't been able to put my finger on but have tried to shrug off thinking it will pass and I can carry on going forward.....I am grasping in my newly filled brain to explain what this feeling is that's surrounding me and feeling FRUSTRATED when I can't quite get it.....and then, suddenly the word POPPED up, right there in the front of my brain like a neon light flashing it's many sequences.....apathy.....A.P.A.T.H.Y.!!!

I googled and there it was in black and white....apathy.....EVERYTHING that I have been feeling for the last seven or eight weeks, growing bigger by the day until it is now SOOO overwhelming it is frightening far as I can tell medication is the only way to help rid me of this feeling, I have an appointment to see the Doc on Wednesday hoping they will suggest some natural remedy until then I am saying my mantra more than ever as I want to see where I am going and NOT look back to where I have been.

The opposite of apathy is flow.......this is where I want to be - FLOWING with ideas, plans, achievements, excitement and hopefullness.



hello gorgeous xxx


  1. Big {{{hugs}}}} I'm sure you can do it & get through this.

  2. Sending love, hugs, and any amount of fimo beads to get the creativity flowing if it helps.....your jewellery is inspiring, your creativity is amazing.....forward flowing motion in gentle lulling laps.... :)

  3. thanks ladies, the constant feeling of fear is getting too much and the sooner I can get to grips with it the sooner I can achieve the things I want to achieve....was hoping I would be more in control by Christmas 2010....staying positive! ;o)

    hugs back at you ladies xxx

  4. I hope life flows again soon and you can move forward positively. Sending hugs, take care

  5. Stay positive hun, you can get through this little bleep, I'm sure. If you need medication then maybe you should take it for a while till this feeling passes, and it will pass!
    Sending lots of hugs your way.

    Julie xxx

  6. good luck with it. hope you feel the flow again soon. you can get through it, and you will be much stronger for it!


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