Bleurghhhhh!!!!

So, here I am - a year to the week - in the exact same position....feeling rather green with a sickness bug! pah!  Only last year's bug enabled a turning point in my mental health, one which I intended to grab on to and build upon....the start of 2009 continued to be a very low period for me and no matter how I tried, the motivation and control seemed to elude me.  I tried my hardest to take back control, but the fight I had with the dark, scary black cloud above me was too big and for most of that year I seemed to be on a rollercoaster of highs and extreme lows, heading VERY fast towards Christmas and my most favourite time of the year - I SO wanted to be able to "take part" in the celebrations this time round {having only gone through the motions the previous two years}. Well Christmas came, we celebrated, then it was gone and then that nasty norovirus struck, it was quite miserable during the week after Christmas, because I was throwing up so much decided it was pointless me taking my meds if they were not gonna be staying put for very long!  So I stopped....NOT something that is recommended, but a decision I made all the same.....a few days later and the house was bug free, hurrah! 

It was then that I decided to "have a chat with myself" about what the future, 2010 in particular, would hold for me...I know I was more frustrated than ever not to be "in control" of my mind, my actions, my feelings....and so I made the decision not to go back on my meds, that I would start 2010 med free and with a positive mind {very hard to do, but something I had to fix on} and that no matter what happened I would retain that "positive" thought at the front of my mind at all times.

I had a few visits with the specialists looking after me and a plan was put in place and by March I had started on my first step to freedom......a weekly visit to help me conquer the fear of getting out of the front door and being part of the "big bad world".....there have been moments throughout the year where I have had to take a step back {which would have previously taken me right back to square one} but with that positive thought firmly imprinted in my mind I have been able to hold my own, see them for what they are and then calmly take the next step the following day/week....it was exciting to think I was beginning to take control again, so many thoughts started to fill my mind {which had been empty for far too long}, things I wanted to do and achieve....I was liking this feeling, I was getting comfortable with it {all the while trying to stave off thoughts it might all go horribly pair-shaped and take me right back to those darker times}.

By May I managed to achieve getting out of the front door - on my own - and walk to the end of our street and back {one thing I did to help me achieve this was to park the car at the end of the street so I had to make that walk} I've also achieved, on my most positive days, hoovering, tidying, washing the dishes, putting washing in the machine, having a shower and getting dressed {on extreme days sometimes achieveing ALL of these things in the same day!}, I have bought plants for the garden and started Project Flowerpot, I have taken over putting the bins out every Thursday for collection and manage to make a cuppa for myself too {even though I have lost the ability to make a decent one....I.AM.MAKING.ONE!!!} I also started making jewellery - hello gorgeous.  All in all, a HUGE accomplishment from how I was feeling at the start of 2009.

And then BAM!! Something else was to take a hold.....something to this day I cannot shake....oh! how I've tried, I remain positive but useless to achieve anything....my accomplishment of getting out of the door has taken backward steps....so much so that in the last few months I have not even gone outside the front door on my own :o(  I keep picturing myself being able to shake it off - like a dog who has just stepped out of the water shakes away the excess on it's coat - but it's not working, I am frustrated that I am being held back by this invisible shield...I wanted to be further on in my progress by this time of the year....but, when I look back at what I have achieved so far, that spurs me on to keep positive. 

So I am going into 2011 even more determined to beat this years achievements....I am preparing a "2011 Bucket List"...things I want to achieve/do by the time 2011 "dies".......watch this space! ;o)

hugs

hello gorgeous xxx